The Clutter and the Gloom
It has not been an easy Christmas season, and Christmas isn’t even here yet.
First of all, of course my grandmother. My mother, who is still in Mexico, was very pessimistic and kept on telling us over the phone that my grandmother was going to die. The thought of that was a horrible one, to say the least. My grandmother is the sweetest person in the world; she saved me from a lifetime of being called Diana, Xochil or Victoria (no offense to those named as such, they’re just not me). It just seems to early for her to move on even though she’s 92. Last we heard, though, she is starting to feel much better. I can only hope that things continue to move this way.
As a consequence of my mother being away, I was extremely exhausted after a week and a half of male laziness. That ended when IP showed up last week. I’ve been MIA for the past week as we’ve spent time together, wandering Ann Arbor and the greater Ann Arbor area. Even though we’ve both been working, we spent some pretty damn good evenings together.
Which brings me to the third reason why this Christmas is a particularly hard Christmas.
IP left today. Being the girly-girl that I can be, this always tears me up a little bit inside. Hate to be dramatic and blunt, but there’s no getting around the fact that I get to see my boyfriend for a week or so every couple of months. And rather than play the martyr and hold my chin up proudly, declaring we’re doing what we need to do, I’ll just flat out say it:
I hate it. It sucks majorly. Distance is not easy. We make it work somehow, but it’s no walk through the park. I think we handle it relatively successfully as opposed to other couples because we’re just naturally less dramatic, a little bit more low key than the couples who need to fight and make up every few months. Another reason is because we trust one another: We don’t need constant, mushy reassurance that we’re doing okay without being there for one another. I don’t need to hear him tell me how much he misses me because I just know he does; I don’t need to whine to him about how things are a little less bright without him around because he knows that. You look at long distance relationship boards and all you see are people wailing about how their boyfriend takes it all in stride so easily, how they’re freaking out because their boyfriend talked to a female colleague! Some guys make it onto those boards and fret about whether or not they’re good enough for their girlfriends. People like this make me want to pull my hair out; I can tell they don’t trust one another. It’s not easy, but you shouldn’t suspect someone every few seconds.
Sorry.
Back to the gloomy Christmas. The last day of a visit is always so very hard for me. I fight back tears the day entire just so I don’t upset IP before he gets on a plane or I get on a plane (where I feel I cannot cry at all). I always fail; I can’t hold them back, and even though I’ve gotten better at not letting them dominate the last few hours of a visit, I’ll probably always need IP to tell jokes and do whatever he can to make me laugh and chase away the tears. I dread my family inevitably asking if I’m sad, then waxing philosophical on the intricacies of life. I always go to sleep that night hugging my extra pillow and pretending it’s IP (soft, just like him – ha, I kid, hon! I’ve gotta laugh, right?). I am a pathetic mess – rest assured, I am one right now.
I told my sister that Christmas Eve this year would be iffy – my mom and older brother are in Mexico, I’m a veritable basket case for a couple of days and all the rest of them do is watch TV or use the computer. I could try to make it all cheerier, but it’s not in me right now. I feel pretty tired, and I don’t think that feeling will lift immediately. By the weekend, I feel I’ll be loads better, but for now I’m just blah.
Add to that all the snow? One cold, sigh-filled Christmas indeed.
P.S. IP keeps on getting the suggestion of "IPA" in the spellcheck. Okay, that’s funny, considering how he had five IPA’s last night. ;)
