That’s No Cabbage Patch Kid, That’s My Cousin! Er, Nephew! Cousin . . . Damn Mexican Familial Relationships . . . – July 17, 2003

(Ed. Note: I’m working on a larger post that might or might not go up today – but all signs point to “no” at the moment due to more pressing matters [work, that is]. While perusing my old journals, I came across this gem.)

For the past few weeks, a war has been fought between my sister, my mother, and me. My sister and I are on the same side of this war, facing a formidable mother of four who will stop at nothing to have her will obeyed. The war is currently in a forced truce, given that the woman is far away in the land of her birth. That fact, though, hasn’t stopped my sister and I from striking when necessary. Yesterday, we found it necessary.

A few months ago, my least favorite cousin gave birth to her first child. She immediately sent pictures out to the entire family (a practice I find financially wasteful if you’re sending them to family members whom you don’t care for [and they don’t care for you!]) including our household. I took one look at the picture, declared the kid ugly (poor child, he’s pretty unsightly), and got on with my life. Mom pointed out that it was a picture of the child immediately after birth, so it wasn’t going to be the most charming picture ever. I pointed out that, red as he was, little brother M was cutie from the start. My mother spat out that since I don’t like my cousin, it’s natural that I would immediately label her child as such. My sister promptly backed me up by saying, “Well, I have nothing against G, but the kid is pretty icky, Mom.” Mother pursed her lips, flared her nostrils, and placed the picture in the middle of the dining table for all to see. War had been declared, but my sister and I weren’t engaging her just yet. We had to get annoyed first.

While eating at the table, I become increasingly irritated at having to move the baby’s picture around in order to arrange whatever book, magazine, or newspaper I had to read while indulging in a culinary delight. When cleaning the table, I constantly had to move around the kid’s mug so the damn thing wouldn’t get wet. I would catch my sister staring at it, fascinated, marveling at the degree of uncuteness this child was displaying. When we complained that the picture was in the way, my mother again accused me (and only me) of being prejudiced towards the kid to begin with and insisted that the picture stay put. I finally burst out that I doubted any of my children would receive that kind of treatment (V and M concurred, citing that pictures of their children would be hidden away in the closet), took the picture, and tossed it into the bill cupboard. It’s now lost in there, wandering in a pile of papers only the bravest are capable of tackling.

However, our cousin sent another picture.

Little B, two months old, decked out in GAP and Ralph Lauren Polo. Shoot me if I ever buy anything for my kid by Ralph Lauren Polo. Anyway. Several pictures were sent, some of them for my aunt (the baby’s grandmother) and one for my mother. While flipping through them, my mother’s exact words were . . .

“Oh, how cu- oh, he doesn’t look too cute there, does he?” My younger siblings and I promptly burst into laughter. Unfortunately, the picture that my cousin gave to my mother was a ‘cute’ one, so we have a picture of a two-month-old in addition to a newborn floating around the house. My mom knew she wouldn’t get away with placing the picture in the dining room, so here’s what she did:

1) Attempted to place the picture on top of the framed photo of two of my parents’ friends. The husband in the picture is deceased, and it’s his picture that was covered up when little B was placed there. While working at the computer last week, I heard my father say, offended, “Why the hell are you covering up Andy?”

2) Placed the picture of the kid on top of the framed photo of us kids at ages 5, 10, 17, and 20. The picture of the kid covers up my little brother M and little sister V. Thanks, Mom. My sister, highly affronted, leaned the picture of the kid on a small figurine nearby. I, more than highly affronted, took the picture and placed it behind a pair of Father’s Day cards still hanging around. You can’t see him as of yesterday.

See, I really wouldn’t mind if my mother had just let it drop instead of subjecting us to the picture of the kid day after day. I don’t know what her purpose was in forcing us to dine with the kid, but it ultimately led to us wanting to banish the child from our house for all eternity. I really have nothing against the kid; I might dislike his mother, but the kid in particular doesn’t bother me. I actually feel sorry that poor Ben has to be raised by someone as irresponsible and as childlike as my cousin. The only reason I can give to my mom’s actions is this: simply put, she wants to annoy the hell out of me. She wants to force me to admit that the kid is cute when my instinct tells me the kid isn’t. He might be the sweetest baby in the world – I’d gladly baby-sit him to see if he was a sweetheart (just because I don’t like his mom doesn’t mean I can’t like the kid). Doesn’t make him the Gerber baby. And you’re talking to a woman whose heart skips six or seven beats whenever exposed to an adorable baby.

Hell, my other cousin’s (sister to the cousin above) kids are super cute. P’s are cute, G’s kid . . . well, isn’t.

What it came down to was the old battle between my mother and me in regards to my preferment of living in Michigan than in California. I like being independent from my cousins (I can’t imagine being forced to hang out with the lot of them). It also comes down to the age-old battle of why I should love <I>all</I> my cousins because they’re my cousins, even if I’ve never exchanged two words with them. I’ve exchanged one too many words with this particular cousin, but who cares about my opinion? She’s family!

We’re waiting for the next chapter in the war over the pictures. Will Mom even notice after all this time away? Doubt it.

(Ed. Note: My mother never noticed. The kid’s looks have not improved. However, his cousin is absolutely adorable.)