File This under “People Who Deserve a Hard Kick to the Face”

To the dude who nearly hit my car as I was driving through the Meijer parking lot – you DO have to follow the lanes, you know.  You are NOT supposed to cross multiple parking spaces and lanes, cutting across them indiscriminately as the rest of us (okay, some of us, namely, ME) try to be good drivers and actually stay in our lanes.  I laid on my horn not because you are a misunderstood driving artist, but because you are an asshole extraordinaire.  And for what?  To get fucking jeans for your kid, right?  I saw you, buying cheap ass clothes from Meijer, still yapping on your cell phone as you had been when you nearly blindsided me.  I muttered an "asshole" in your direction, but of course you didn’t hear me because you’re a self-involved son of a bitch who COULD’VE MANGLED MY POOR ESCORT WITH YOUR DAMN MINIVAN IN A MEIJER PARKING LOT.  To get Meijer jeans.

And do your kid a favor – don’t get him Meijer jeans.  Go to a department store to get jeans.  Get a pair of Levi’s, a pair of actual Lee jeans, go and get some nice J.Crew or Banana Republic or GAP jeans.  Wearing Meijer jeans to school?  Is not cool.  Lee Riders from Meijer just aren’t nice jeans, okay?

For God’s sake, what’s the hurry, people in general?  Why speed in a freaking parking lot?  Why do all driving laws suddenly go out the window in parking lots?  They are not safer and you cannot get away with more – the increased level of stupidity means that there is a greater chance that you’ll crash, that you’ll hit a pedestrian who is legally crossing the street to the store.

Good God, man.  Two strikes against you:  Condemning your kid to fashion hell and being a jerkass driver who deserves to have his cell phone ripped from his hands, stomped on multiple times and kicked across the parking lot right before your license is permanently revoked right there in the parking lot.

It would be a better world if we all followed my philosophy for taking care of stupid drivers.