“Friends Are Just Enemies Who Don’t Have the Guts to Kill You.”*

Pretty snappy title, eh?  I sometimes think it’s true given how I interact with my friends.  I once asked IP why our friends don’t tend to like us.  “Because we’re mean,” he supplied helpfully.  Oh, he’s always so right!  But going on . . .

As Christmas in Michigan approaches, I have to admit I’m looking forward to my trip to said state north of me (those yankees!).  Not only do little sister and I plan on getting totally smashed—or maybe just a little tipsy—but I’ll actually be checking in with friends this time around.  The news is sure to devastate my mom as she’d like nothing better than to strap me to a chair and hug me nonstop, but the following follows:

• Friend L will be visiting me during one of the days I am in town.  Friend L is having something of a rough time of it; her mother has just been diagnosed with seriously advanced cancer, and even if L isn’t saying it, I can tell she’s terrified.  She doesn’t seemed stressed about finances or the extra work she’s taken on (her job, her mom’s business, and taking care of her mom), but I can tell she’s frightened at the idea of losing her mother.  While the cancer is far along, there’s always the possibility that everything will turn out all right—L’s mom certainly seems ready to fight the good fight for herself and her family—so I’ll just do my best to be a good friend to L while I’m around.
• Friend LK, I suspect, has given birth to her first child, a daughter.  Since my uterus leaps to full attention when there’s a baby around, I’m hoping to perhaps drop by and say hi to the little stinker.  I know it might not be possible (it is Christmas and I think grandparents should probably have priority), but it’d be very cool to see the kid.  Friend LK and I have been friends since high school, and she’s the third in our little group of five to have a kid.  Then again, who knows?  Maybe the other childless person in our group has already had kid—we wouldn’t know since she’s done a poor job of keeping in touch (last year, she sent a card to us all, but without a return address—odd).  However, as of now, I’m the only unmarried one, and one of two who have not produced off-spring.  You could say I’m a bit behind, but . . . um, my salary kicks all kinds of ass. :D
• Friends from Dyn-o-mite! surprised me—they asked me to get together as opposed to me asking if they want go out and getting completely rejected.  I hadn’t mentioned to them that I would be visiting at all—I figured it was useless considering it’s a) the holidays and b) they don’t really seem to give a shit.  Lo and behold, though, they entreated me and we actually have a date set up!  Color me shocked—and hoping I have the wherewithal to resist telling them how much money I’m making these days.  I know that’s horribly petty considering how miserly Dyn-o-nmite! is, but remember that this is the, what, fifth time I’ve been back to Michigan since I left?  They’ve had ample opportunity to get together with me, but never seem to really want to.  I feel I’ve earned the right to be a little snobby around the Michigan people who have snubbed me so many times.  Sigh.  I’m so damn petty.

And of course, there is the hanging out the family that is to be done.  Like I mentioned, there shall be great rejoicing over whiskey sours and Friday’s Orange Dream drink mix, and perhaps a margarita or two.  I might get drunk enough that I can be conned into going to church.  Ha!  Kidding, Mom, that’ll never happen.  I don’t ever get that drunk.

*Judy Tenuta on the legendary Space Ghost Coast to Coast.  Note to siblings—remember when Joel was on there?