In the Business of Lowering Expectations since 2002: The Book List

In the past few months, unsolicited advice has been rapidly piling up on me in regards to my as-of-yet unscheduled wedding. I am told what songs I should play, what food I should serve, what kind of dress would look the most flattering on me. I am asked by friends when they can help me start planning, and my mother has even gone as far to make up a fake engagement so that her friends at work will stop asking her if I’m engaged yet (advice from her is “get engaged already” in case you can’t read into that little fib). However, the best unsolicited advice I received came from my company’s very cool president:

“Don’t overdo it; go for simple, go for cost-effective. My parents wanted to give me a down payment on a house, but nooooo . . . I had to go for the stretch limo and the expensive flowers. It is not worth it. Save the money.”

And that’s my takeaway message from One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding by Rebecca Mead. Throughout the course of the book, Ms. Mead takes us to the Bridal March in New York, where brides-to-be attend a conference on how to do their weddings best, to the factories of China, where that beautiful gown you’re dying to wear is being made by someone making a salary in the cents, paid by the number of dresses her or she produces. We get to witness the foundation of the Bridezilla culture, which is the wedding industry encouraging women that this day requires a transformation of self, acquisition of what expresses her individuality (read: what’s most expensive) and the creation of tradition where tradition may not exist for a bride and groom.

The book is not prescriptive; there is no advice on how to make your wedding or your mind less susceptible to the relentless marketing that goes into attracting the bride and, to a lesser extent, the groom, to an endless array of luxuries, so-called necessities and practices thinly veiled as tradition. Instead, we’re introduced to purveyors of all aspects of the American wedding, from the planner to the dressmaker to the minister to the producer of silly baubles to the photographers/videographers to the destination coordinators who make it all happen for a heavy fee. The focus of the book is not the so-called Bridezilla, who must have everything, but the providers who make her creation possible. You laugh and cringe at some of these people, who so boldly and frankly manipulate the couple into wanting more. There is even mention of a warning about the non-traditional bride, who will be so easygoing about the entire event that little to no money will be made.

(I, as a side not, aspire to be that non-traditional bride. I love fucking with people’s heads when I know they’re after me, and if I can frustrate the hell out of David’s Bridal by not only not buying a tiara but also not buying a dress from them, I’d be happy with myself.)

The book is an eye-opener, a broad revelation of the monster we instinctively know is lurking about but refuse to acknowledge in order to go ahead and have that day without the nagging voice that tells us we’re being daft (that’s putting it mildly) for spending all that money. As I read through this book, I did take away some lessons on what not to do should I ever marry (“Ay,” my mother would interject at this point, “It’ll never happen!”). They are diaphanous, unformed ideas, however; my career gives me advantage over your everyday kind of bride, and I believe reading this book makes me a bit more aware of what I would face should a planning session kick into gear. However, until I begin planning, I won’t know the beast I’ll be facing, especially what form the beast will take after families have been notified.

Mead ends on a somber note, discussing the challenges that gay couples face when attempting to marry. The stodgy, hellfire-hungry nature of this country denies this civil right (and rite) to countless committed couples while Barbie and Ken marry when they’re 21 and are divorced by 23. Mead writes:

What if getting married was not simply something the average American—having found a suitable spouse—could do when he or she pleased, and in the manner he or she desired, but was a right that had been argued over and fought for? What if every wedding were a cherished victory won?

And that’s what marriage is to me—not the culmination of 16 months’ worth of planning compressed into the span of one day, but arguing and fighting and reconciling and knocking down barriers and being able to laugh and enjoy the every day together—and at times, apart. As I get older, it becomes less about that day (when I was 16, I admit I wanted it all) but about what happens after that day. How do we stand together—since, as IP is fond of saying, “We’re on the same side, hon”—against the countless obstacles that will be thrown our way? IP and I have done a lot. We survived long distance, not an easy feat; we’ve survived being together after that distance ended, a time in which many couples find they’re not compatible anymore; we survive the little and big things by simply standing together. One day will not epitomize all that we’ve done and will do; one day will not transform us and provide a foundation—we already have a foundation from which we’re building.

I would recommend this book to the upcoming wave of brides; the book is neither cynical nor off-putting; it’s simply a discussion on how the American wedding works, and what the forces are behind it. Going in aware is not a transgression, nor is it unromantic.

As a side note, IP initially sent me a Slate article in which the author detailed how she fell into the trap of wanting one perfect day, and discussed this book to boot—it’s how we became aware of its existence. I was initially hostile, and I wrote this little tidbit for a post called “Ceremonial Blunders” that never got posted on Sonnet87:

As IP later pointed out to me, how often does he send me this type of article? Not very—his point was that he was afraid of getting fleeced and duped, which is a legitimate concern as we start to discuss uniting our crazy, Catholic, Mexican, Jewish and Sicilian heritages. What made my female-meter freak was that it was sent without comment; I automatically assumed it meant that he would never engage in such foolishness, so I’d better stop hoping for any kind of invitation to become Mrs. IP (actually, we’re still discussing the name thing). His understanding of the article was simple—a seemingly level-headed woman who hadn’t wanted to make her wedding a big deal was getting sucked into the details. He was convinced, he said, by her initial relaxed attitude.

And most women will tell you that the article would inevitably inspire a Gertrude-like observation: “Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.” Sure the author may write that she didn’t care, but she clearly did, in the back of her mind—if you feel you’re immune to wedding industry peddling, you’ll be able to resist it when it rears its ugly head. But if you’ve secretly pictured your wedding—and you know she has—then you start to get an idea of what you want. And you find yourself relentlessly pursuing it until you find it.

The thrust of the article didn’t convince me that the author was sincere—so how can I convince you that I am sincere? Well, I have backup in the form of One Perfect Day; I have my belief that I’m working much too hard to not have a payoff when I’m old and grey; I also have IP, who is equally concerned about not letting this thing get out of hand should it happen. As the years pass and we don’t marry, hope is abandoned (our perpetual state of un-married-ness is the entrance to Hell!) and in the end, any type of wedding will do. As IP proudly says when I tell him what new portions of my family’s wedding requirements have flown out the window:

“In the business of lowering expectations since 2002.”

Onto the book list.

Finished:

1) Love Is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield
2) Galileo’s Daughter: A Historical Memoir of Science, Faith and Love by Dava Sobel
3) Helen of Troy by Margaret George
4) Writing Ann Arbor: A Literary Anthology Edited by Laurence Goldstein
5) You Suck: A Love Story by Christopher Moore
6) Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story by Christopher Moore
7) The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0 by Christopher Moore
8) Radio On: A Listener’s Diary by Sarah Vowell
9) Evolving God: A Provocative View on the Origins of Religion by Barbara J. King
10) The Secret History by Donna Tartt
11) Behind the Scenes at the Museum by Kate Atkinson
12) One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding by Rebecca Mead

Re-read:

1) Vertical Run by Joseph R. Garber

Currently Reading:

1) Lost for Words: Hidden History of Oxford English Dictionary by Lynda Mugglestone

Waiting To Be Read (Already Purchased, Got as Gifts, Borrowed from My Boyfriend, or Otherwise Accessible without the Use of Funds, But Not an Assurance That I Will Read These Before I Buy More Books):

1) Great Society Subway: A History of the Washington Metro by Zachary M. Schrag
2) College Girls: Bluestockings, Sex Kittens, and Co-Eds, Then and Now by Lynn Peril