Short Note to IP’s Neighbor
Dear Lady:
First of all, I have to ask—do you have 80% of your floors covered with carpet? If so, you have really loud footsteps. If not, then you can see why we used to get annoyed before we became immune to your constant furniture moving and vacuuming, right? Whether it’s sleeping in or entertaining guests or just trying to read quietly on a Sunday, we don’t get a lot of quiet.
Anyway, your husband is nice enough; IP has talked to him and a pleasant existence has sprung up between us. Your little boy, by the way, is very cute, what with his curly hair and happy giggles when his father comes home from work. Your dog? Not so much, but I don’t like small dogs. That’s just me, though. I prefer labs; IP prefers no dogs.
However, you still hate us. If we happen to exit our respective apartments at the same time, you’ll rush back into yours at the sight of us. When we run into your entire family, you actually turn away your head while everyone else in your party says hi.
Yesterday, though, you went too far. When entering the building right when we were about to, you literally shrieked at your child to stop right where he was before he got any closer to us. Seriously, lady—we’re not going to do anything to him. As I said, he’s cute as can be, and his little footsteps up above never, ever bothered us (a kid’s got to move, after all, especially at two or three years of age; they have places to be, people to see). You act as though we’re out to kidnap the kid and hold him hostage until you carpet your floors.
I would suggest that you do what IP, your husband and I have done—grow up, have a few pleasant chats, and generally be nice to one another. It eases the tension. Before you know it, we’ll have moved to another building in the same area, and we will be a distant memory. No more will you have to protect your child from our wickedness, and no more will you have to hide in your apartment as we loiter in the hallways. You’ll see us on a random basis, if at all. In the meantime? Stop acting like we’re evil incarnate. There is no reason to avoid or be afraid of us. We don’t bite. You or yours, that is. Each other? Well, that’s none of your business.
Love,
WordNerd
I’d kidnap that kid just to read “My First Book of Shapes” to him. Then I’d give him a cookie and send him home (with the book, since I don’t know whose it is).
But Mom needs to keep taking her Prozac…or maybe up her dosage. Her hysterical tone implied she thought we would literally tear the kid limb from limb if he came within 30 feet of us.
Surely, there are greater threats.
If the kid gets within 30 feet of Crack Kills, for instance, he’ll not only be emotionally scarred for life, but likely come down with lung cancer from second-hand smoke.
IP, you have cookies? Where are you hiding them? Can I have some, too?
Anyway, I think the kid’s a bit advanced for “My First Book of Shapes”. You might want to move onto “The Shape of Space” instead. ;)
Between Mom and Crack Kills, you’re surrounded by delightful neighbors. Seriously, though, that shriek of absolute despair for the kid’s well-being really irritated me. Please—kids get around me and they love me; I’m an awesome babysitter. Maybe she’s just afraid that the kid will want to hang around us more since we’re so damn cool and fun.
Yeah, considering the cries of joy when dad comes home, it just may be she knows the kid hates her and she’s totally insecure that anyone – even the hated downstairs neighbors – can steal away her baby’s affections.