Hans Sprungfeld Knew the Truth: The Book List

When it comes to American history and the Revolutionary War in particular, I greatly prefer the version presented to me by The Simpsons to the one presented to me by boring teachers, K-5 and 8-12. (The years in between were spent in Mexico.) The person of George Washington, for example, goes from chopping down a cherry tree to seeming vaguely human, something Hans Sprungeld (Jebediah Springfield) knew from his rivarly with the general. Behold:

George Washington in “Lisa the Iconoclast”:

Betsy Ross: I got the white stars you wanted, but I couldn’t find any red hearts, yellow moons, or green clovers.
Washington: I’ll take it. But I’m not paying for it.

Washington: We had quitters during the Revolution too. We called them Kentuckians.

Washington: Looks like I’m going to have to find another little girl to be President. What’s your friend Janey’s number?
Lisa: No, not Janey! She’ll pack the Supreme Court with boys!

Washington in “I Love Lisa”:

Lisa: [as Martha Washington] Dear, dear George Washington. Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?
Ralph Wiggum: [as George Washington] Dear madam, would you put a price on the air we breathe, or the providence that sustains us?
Lisa: But couldn’t we just give into the British?
Ralph Wiggum: NEVER!

Lisa: [George Washington is on his deathbed] Please don’t leave me George.
Ralph Wiggum: Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure with me to the next life, it would be your tender kiss. [He kisses her hand and dies; she cries]

Futurama also does an excellent job with the general:

Washington in “The Day the Earth Stood Stupid”:

Fry: All right, time to reeducate you dunce bags. We’ll start with U.S Presidents. This is our first president, George Washington. [Pause. The others look confused]
Fry: Let’s review. Who was our first president?
Bender: A pickle jar?
Washington: Thomas Jefferson?

Washington in “A Head in the Polls”:

Washington: So telleth, Bender, what hath happened to your body?
Bender: I hocked it.
Washington: Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?
Bender: Same reason you hocked your teeth.
Washington: Ah, booze money.

And so on. My point is that American history and the Revolutionary War have always been immensely boring to me. In school, we learned that Washington came first and he was perfect, but not much else. Mexican history was much more fascinating – triumphs and defeats were given to us, courage and fallacies were discussed, and we actually got to current times by the end of the year. All I can recall are teachers droning on and on about how Washington crossed the Delaware and that the Declaration of Independence was a natural heir of the Magna Carta (which wasn’t even explained – I was in the second grade, I had no clue what the goddamn Magna Carta was!). Before I went to school in Mexico, I thought history was one of the most boring subjects there could be. Exploration of Mexican history, and remembering how interesting it had been encouraged me to look into English history in depth when I became a Med/Ren/Early Modern student. By then, though, the time for any interest in American history passed me by.

So how was it that I came to pick up 1776 by David McCullough? Part of it was that I was in a lull between book orders – I had finished (or nearly finished) all books in my last batch and was awaiting a new delivery. It came with a recommendation from IP, which is always a good nod. I had just finished a piece of fiction, which usually leads to a piece of non-fiction, so it was up next in queue, you could say. So I buckled down to read it, hoping for a little more insight on the year 1776 (and not just the catchy Union 76 taglines from the old commercials).

And I would describe this as an excellent read: like The Simpsons and Futurama, McCullough manages to make all personages involved in the strategic battles and confrontations of late 1775 and into early 1777 human; Washington in fallible, as are the green commanders he depends upon; the British and Hessian troops (Hessians!? I never once heard the word “Hessian” in school) are also made more than just evil in red and blue, with competent commanders, somewhat slow-moving generals and enough discipline to court martial soldiers who raped women on Staten Island. The night crossing of the Delaware to take Trenton is rightfully acknowledged as a turning point in the war, but it is tempered with knowledge of Washington’s prior defeats, missteps, and second doubts. If anything, 1776 is a dark year in American history, with various personalities struggling to salvage the year’s exploits in some redeemable fashion. No one fully succeeds as the war lasts another six years until 1783, but the seeds for separation are planted – something never fully emphasized in public schools, as 1776 is made to be a watershed year in which the U.S. triumphed. You almost get the sense that nothing ever really happened after that (thanks, Saline elementary school teachers). The country did ultimately triumph, but the abyss that was faced was incredible and not to be dismissed lightly – to do so would be to dismiss the fears, indecision, sacrifices and the humanity of the people who fought in 1776 and beyond. American history as taught in schools does a great disservice to neglect these in order to prop up the leaders of the past as perfect. I can’t relate to George Washington, truth-teller extraordinaire; I can relate to George Washington, down but not out as he and his army retreat from New York.

The book makes excellent use of diaries and letters from Americans, British and Hessians alike, giving the reader a glimpse into the thoughts of the day. Particularly striking was the diary of Joseph Reed, Washington’s trusted adviser. Upon the arrival of the British and Hessian troops on Staten Island, 32,000 in strength, Reed wrote to his wife:

When I look down and see the prodigious fleet they have collected, the preparations they have made, and consider the vast expenses incurred, I cannot help being astonished that a people should come 3,000 miles at such risk, trouble and expense to rob, plunder and destroy another people because they will not lay their lives and fortunes at their feet.

This entry made me pause, and it should make every reader pause. Might does not equal right, which is what the U.S. effectively used as an excuse to make war in Iraq. Two hundred and thirty-two years later, the U.S. is the aggressor, running the risk of becoming the faceless redcoats without just cause in some child’s history book down the road. How very full circle – given what’s slowly going to come to light as we move past the Bush administration, I don’t know that anyone, not even a historian of David McCullough’s talent, could salvage the face of this invading army.

Onto the book list:

Finished:

1) Flesh and Spirit: Private Life in Early Modern Germanyby Steven E. Ozment
2) Women at the Beginning – Origin Myths from the Amazons to the Virgin Maryby Patrick J. Geary
3) Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris
4) A Man for All Seasons: A Play in Two Acts by Robert Bolt
5) Lisey’s Story by Stephen King
6) 1776 by David McCullough

Re-read:

Empty

Currently Reading:

1) The Savage Detectives: A Novelby Roberto Bolaño (Translation by Natasha Wimmer)
2) Saints and Sinners: A History of the Popes by Eamon Duffy
3) The Aeneidby Virgil (Translation by Robert Fagles)

Waiting To Be Read (Already Purchased, Got as Gifts, Borrowed from My Boyfriend, or Otherwise Accessible without the Use of Funds, But Not an Assurance That I Will Read These Before I Buy More Books):

1) The Pillars of the Earthby Ken Follett
2) The Know-It-All: One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World by A. J. Jacobs
3) People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks