The Atheist Bride and Her Mother: Joy Unparalled
I am in Michigan for wedding venue selection. Today was full of site visits that are kind of blurring in my head. What stands out? The numbers. Good lord, the numbers. Why do we have to spend so much to feed 75 people?
The day was bearable thanks to great input from my mom and sister (and IP from afar when I called to update him), but we had our moments of tension. My mother has been egging me a bit regarding the guest list — she basically wants me to increase it to include a) my cousins, who number about two scores and 2) her friend who I dislike and makes me uncomfortable. The pushing was beginning to bother me — IP and I are the ones shelling out for this shindig and we want to be around people who makes us 1) comfortable and b) know both of us as a couple. We don’t want a family-only, parents’-friend-heavy wedding — we want a gathering of people who care about us as a couple. IP helpfully pointed out that at the hint of more unwanted guests I could offer to contract the wedding further to 50 people. I haven’t had the opportunity to offer that suggestion, but if the ideal of nixing our friends in favor of my parents’ friends or my extended family keep popping up, I’ll propose that solution.
My mother is just glad we’re getting married, but today she demonstrated that one aspect of our planning is nagging at her. IP and I are atheists and are adamant about using someone who understands and respects our viewpoints — and I’ve always said that ceremony without meaning is useless to me, so I could never stand in front of a priest and vow before friends and family and a god I don’t believe in that I’ll be IP’s partner for life. I’m vowing it to IP and I think that’s enough. Anyway, when speaking to one coordinator today, she inquired as to what type of ceremony we’d be having. When I answered neutrally with non-religious, the coordinator pressed. “Are you Catholic and your fiancé is . . .” she trailed off, sensing a difference in upbringing. “We’re both atheists,” I said with a polite smile, indicating that there was no conflict between the future husband and me.
“No, you’re not,” my mother immediately jumped in, flushing red and looking angry. I gave her a quick look and answered that we wouldn’t talk about the subject at the moment. The coordinator hid a grin as my mother glared at me. When the coordinator excused herself to get me some information about an officiant she highly recommended, my mother continued that I was just like Mathgeek: “You think you don’t believe, but you do.” I just sighed, shook my head; I love how my mother presumes to know that I believe in a higher power when I have given the subject plenty of thought and, no, I don’t believe. It’s so frustrating and insulting to be an adult and have your mother nag at you in front of your possible wedding coordinator about religion. It was one of those moments where I fervently wished for the day that my mom would recognize that I was a thinking human being who can make her own decisions, especially about my belief system. I don’t think that’ll happen in regards to the Catholicism bit. However, it doesn’t matter in this situation — IP and I will have our non-religious ceremony come hell (hah!) or high water.
Tomorrow I’m off to have lunch with a bridesmaid and on Saturday we have a cake tasting. IP and I will discuss our options a bit more before making a decision. Ah, wedding planning.
We talked about this last night, and the only thing I’d add is that people like your mom may hear a big difference between “non-religious” and “atheist” – with one sounding a lot worse than the other. “Non-religious” could mean a bunch of things: agnostic, secular humanist, never thought about it. “Atheist” conjures images of Richard Dawkins. Either way, I do not understand why the wedding coordinator continued to ask about your religious affiliation after you said you wanted a non-religious ceremony. She had her answer. My inclination is to use the word “non-religious” and to keep repeating it over and again; whatever religion you and I happen to have been raised as children is irrelevant and will not even be mentioned.
And Wordnerd, you may think you don’t like it when I proposition you as SEJ, but you do. :) I think your mom presuming to know your innermost beliefs is a lot about her and very little about you.
IP — agreed. I wasn’t thrilled with the coordinator trying to delve into ceremony specifics when I just asked her about the flow, but at the moment I was tuning out family members and just giving the facts. I think the coordinator was trying to sell the place by demonstrating that she had a lot of contacts within the industry and could hook us up with the person who could provide us with the best ceremony. I was kind of thinking the same thing — give me a name that’ll do what we want and not inject personal views into it. So you can say I fanned the flames, but all in the interest in getting some kind of information (which I haven’t been very successful at finding online).
Yeah, I think it says a lot about Mom — obvs this doesn’t change the fact that I love her to bits, but I’m at the point where raising an eyebrow, giving a funny look, then doing what I want is what happens.
I *hate* SEJ!
I have to admit that reading this makes me appreciate my in-laws that much more. Despite being religious themselves they accepted me and my atheism with open arms. My wife and I had a secular ceremony as well and no one from my family or hers had any criticism of it.
Good luck with the wedding!
Have you sent a letter to the Catholic church signifying your desire to remove yourself from said religion?
If you bend your words to suit your mother then you will never get what you are after in term of her respect. In the situation above I would have probably handled it a bit differently. When told I was not an atheist I would have responded kindly, “Yes in fact I am an atheist mother and if that or any other aspect of this bothers you then I’d appreciate it if you stayed silent or waited outside” I know that with my mother this would most likely result in her being “hurt” and not talking to me for a while.
Stand up for your beliefs or your mother will continue to tread on them.
Les — thanks for the good luck wishes. I think that this was the first and last discussion on the topic. Mom was quick to react here, but she respects our decisions on how to conduct the wedding. I think this was a knee-jerk reaction, but she understands that this is what we want.
Roe — thanks for your input, but that’s not the type of relationship I have with my mom. I would never kick her out of anywhere. As I said above, the reaction was knee-jerk and I don’t anticipate that this will be a big deal as we proceed with our plans.