Finding a Way to Include My Abuelita
I’ve been dreaming about my grandmother lately.
Only a couple of dreams, but they’ve both been wedding related. In the first, I was rushing around on the day of the wedding. Both IP and I were two hours late to our own ceremony, we somehow hadn’t left my parents’ house yet, and my hair was in cornrows. My sister and friend got my hair loose and into curls, but they were weak curls at that. I ran from room to room in some random wedding dress (which kept falling off of me, by the way), concerned that our pictures were going to be awful (if we ever took them, that is). All the while, my grandmother was there, calmly watching the proceedings, waiting for it all to begin. I barely noted her presence, I was so preoccupied. When I woke up, I felt incredibly guilty—here’s my grandmother, sharing my day with me when I thought I’d never see her again, and I ignore her.
The next night, I dreamed about her again. I was in one of the bedrooms in her old house, going through pictures that we were going to use in our reception hall (an idea which both IP and I vetoed since it’s reminiscent of the pictures put up for memorials). I heard a raspy voice outside telling me not to be scared, and in came my grandmother. She was speaking to me in English (she couldn’t speak English in real life) and telling me she announced herself first because she didn’t want me to be scared. She wanted me to know she’d be at my wedding. I was so happy—I hugged her and we chatted a bit more before the dream faded. I woke up and realized that my grandmother’s voice had been raspy because I’d been hearing IP’s breathing (his throat bothered him all last week). Realizing that my grandmother was still, indeed, gone I started to cry a little bit. IP woke up shortly afterward for a brief moment, but I just buried my face into the pillow so he wouldn’t see me crying.
We’re having our officiant observe a moment of silence for our grandparents; IP wants to recognize his grandfather while I want to recognize both my grandparents. Lately, I’d been fretting about which jewelry to wear and realized that for my earrings, the answer was there all along: the pearls my grandmother had given me as a kid. Not only would they look perfect with my dress, but then my grandmother will really be there with me.
Okay, I made myself cry. Off I go to the ladies’ room! Sorry if there are major grammar/spelling mistakes, but I can’t read the post again right now.
