Dear Former County

You suck. I mean, I already knew that you sucked. You proved it four years ago when you didn’t listen to our valid roadway concerns way back in the day, choosing to side with a company in Ohio and Toyota over your residents (count your lucky stars there hasn’t been an accident on that road yet). But now you’ve proved it on a personal level.

Because of you, dear Washtenaw County, and your antiquated ways of processing paper, I now have to do a layover in Detroit for approximately one business day on my way back from the South Pacific. Why? Because you, unlike your sister counties in Southeast Michigan, do not offer any convenient options with which to file for a marriage license. Other counties offer a $5, one day expedited service; an online application system; or the option to fax in documents. You? No, of course not! One of us has to show up, hand over all of our identifying files, and then wait three days before we can pick up the license.

The fact that we’re dropping thousands and thousands of dollars into your economy, Washtenaw, should be incentive enough for you to give us out-of-staters a break. Give us the option to file electronically—if we need to get stuff notarized in D.C., whatever, but at least give us that choice. Instead, we either have to a) waste vacation days or 2) do a stopover that will jar my already jet-lagged body even more. I’ll do it because I have to, but I just wanted to say it publicly: You really do suck big time. This is the 21st century, you realize? Computers work wonders. I’ve booked most of the wedding from the comfort of a computer or my phone. Why must you make it so difficult for those who are willingly coming to the state and giving cash-strapped Michigan some business? I mean, the hell?

You’d better damn well hold onto my license until IP and I return in the following month (since I can’t waste three days in Michigan waiting for you to process the license).  But then again, you never know with bureauracracy, right?