Move On, Show’s Over, Nothing to See Here
Overheard on the way to work:
Guy: Well, I didn’t want you to think I was doing anything that might seem, you know, too boyfriend-y.
Gal (laughing): Oh, don’t worry! Just friendly. Not boyfriend-y at all!
Guy (weak laughter): No, I guess not. *cue look of frustration that the woman totally doesn’t catch*
Guy, I’m sorry to say that unless you come out and tell her that you’re looking for something more, you’re always going to be hanging around, hoping she notices you. Stop making it incumbent upon her to realize what a great guy you are for her (or think you are—only she can determine if you’re the great guy for her). Say something, don’t just hint around it. And if she says no, not interested? Move on. Continue to be her friend if you think you can handle it, but not if you think that if you stay her friend, she’ll come around to your view on the relationship. You’ll just be giving her puppy-dog eyes all over again.
I speak from experience with the roles reversed. I finally stopped preening to get noticed and bluntly asked my hemmer and haw-er: Are we going to be a couple or not? The answer was not. I moved on and ended up meeting a wonderful guy who was clear about his feelings (as was I) and I ended up marrying said wonderful guy. It takes a lot of courage to ask, and it takes a lot to move on. But guess what? That move can lead to bigger and better things with someone else who reciprocates your feelings.
If you’re in this situation: do it and ask. If the answer is yes, good for you. Asking and talking plainly could lead to a very open, honest, deep relationship. But if the answer is no, move on, pout, then pick yourself up and find someone else (and for Pete’s sake, make it clear you’re interested in being more than friends). Mooning about and hoping is not worth your very valuable time.
Good advice for people of both sexes who find themselves in “friendships” but want more. Some people compartmentalize these things, some don’t, most do sometimes and can’t really explain why.
The key turning point in my dating life was when I decided to avoid all such situations by moving to meeting people to date online. Much more efficient, and much less bullshit.
It led to my getting married, too.
And it’s really the bullshit that drags dating down, isn’t it? The coyness, the advance and flirty retreat, then the casual bombshell of a significant other lurking in the background, then the mixed signals from both sides, etc. It’s exhausting.
Being blunt is hard, having someone take a blunt approach to you can be jarring, but it does lead to better understanding and less bullshit.
Some people like the sexual tension of those ambivalent relationships, or the attention that flows when one person is attracted to another even in the context of a “friendship”. It makes sense that these things (friendship and dating) should run together, but often they don’t, and that’s the trap many people (especially less experienced college kids and young 20-somethings) can fall into again and again. It’s even worse when everyone’s always hanging out as a group and they can’t be cleanly separated.
But I’m with you. I always used to think “gosh, if I could just get past this initial BS stage [find out if she's interested, or the best-behavior first date, first awkward kiss, whatever], everything would be fine.”