To the People Doing “Sorry I Can’t Invite You to Our Wedding Letter” Searches
Stop! Writing and actually sending this would be extremely rude and poor etiquette! Don’t do it. Never do it. For any event. Ever.
My cousin letter on this blog was not actually sent to my cousins. It was done anonymously and with no intention of it ever seeing the familial or friend light of day. I just didn’t invite them, period. No words exchanged.
If people ask or hint that they’re invited to your wedding, you say this:
“Well, we’re still working on the guest list. Due to budget/space, we may not be able to include everyone we’d like to.” Or “I’m sorry, but given the economy/budget/family, we’re keeping it small.” End of story. If they insist, drop the wedding as a topic of conversation.
Some other tips:
- You don’t invite the un-invitees to pre-wedding events. No showers, no bach parties, nothing. It’s rude. It says, “Get me a gift, but you’re not important enough to invite to the main event.”
- You stop talking about the wedding in front of these people. I know you’re excited, but you need to stop unless you want to give the impression that you’re sharing because they’re invited.
I know it’s stressful to be asked those questions. But answer them with the above, follow the tips, and go on with your life. People will not implode if they’re not invited to your wedding. It’s not the end of the world. I doubt they’ll care six months from now.
But seriously? NO LETTERS. NONE. You don’t point out that they’re not invited. EVAH!
(Author’s note: I rarely feel the need to address the random searches I get, but this has been happening with some frequency. Just so Emily Post doesn’t start rolling over in her grave, claws her way out, and begins a zombie epidemic when she bites and infects rude brides and grooms, I thought I’d post this. You’re welcome!)
That sounds like Richard Nixon’s corpse climbing out of his grave in Yorba Linda, CA and strangling Gerald Ford to death.
Yeah, but in that case, it was just Gerald Ford who bit it; I want to avoid a zombie apocalypse in this instance. ;)
Generally I like your advice here because it recognizes both the needs of brides and the wanna-be invitees.
I try to be fair because you do have to balance the couple against the guests against the family against the un-invitees. The world would be a better place if people didn’t assume, but as we both learned last year this isn’t in people’s natures. Weddings can bring out various kinds of ‘zillas in everyone.
It is rare that people who make a choice of that which they think polite over its alternative have erred. This would be one of those occasions.
I would, however, add this caveat: if there is a person who has a logical reason to believe that s/he should be invited but will not be, it would be rude to force them into asking the question.
RR: Agreed. The first example that springs to mind is a case where the ceremony will be family only and the reception either non-existent or just for the family. I think most couples in that situation would realize an explanation is in order, and do it in person or, at the very least, over the phone. Writing, even in a hand-written letter, strikes me as impersonal and distant.
In my experience, those asking, “I’m invited, right?” are usually co-workers, extended family members you haven’t heard from (say, for 19 years or so), or acquaintances who you share happy hours with but no more. It’s extremely awkward. Very happy to be beyond that.