Just You Wait: A Rant

Caveat Number One: I think kids and babies are cute.

Caveat Number Two: Just because I think babies and kids are cute does not mean I want to hear every detail about the kids of my colleagues and acquaintances.

Caveat Number Three: I have not experienced childbirth or parenting. This I know. Trust me that I know.

Caveat Number Four: I tend to give advice only when asked. I also don’t make broad statements about how someone else’s experience might be a twin image of my own.

So, with the caveats out of the way, I’d like to ask some of the mothers I know to please stop saying “Just you wait” to me.

Just you wait until you have kids.

Just you wait until you’re pregnant.

Just you wait until you deal with schools.

Just you wait until etc., etc., etc.

Now, again: no kids over here. I know I don’t know the things that parents go through, and I know that, as Johnson & Johnson says, having a baby changes everything. I know it does and will should IP and I have kids. I’m not even going to pretend that one aspect of my life will remain the same. Everything will change, and if we choose to have kids, IP and I will embrace the changes as best we can.

However? The unsolicited “just you waits” have got to stop. Now.

When you are speaking to someone else, sharing your birth stories, please do not turn to me, without prompting or observation from yours truly (because I hate those conversations and tune them out), to say “Just you wait.” When you are lamenting the spread of your hips, the new belly pooch you have, when you talk about breastfeeding, there is no reason to turn to me, again ignoring you, to say “Just you wait.” When there is a discussion about who is in the birthing room with you, do not shout down a currently pregnant woman who says she has decided on a limited amount of people, shrieking that all modesty goes out the window, finishing your rant on her ignorance with “Just you wait.” When you grouse about schools and someone makes a mild observation about how different school systems handle different situations, do not assume that that person’s children will have the experience as yours by proclaiming “Just you wait.”

Why? It’s arrogant, it’s rude, it’s smug, it’s dismissive. You assume, as in the last example, that all women and parents are the same, that there are truths and universals that no parent can escape. While there can be commonalities, of course, and the person you’re lecturing might experience those commonalities, it is dangerous and obnoxious to assume that there aren’t subtle yet powerful differences that’ll come into play for others. You come across not as informed, but holier-than-thou—you’ve already done it so you’re kindly imparting wisdom on the stupid child-free person. What fools, you chuckle. While we seethe. We seethe because you didn’t impart knowledge; you loftily condemned us as if you could condemn us. As if we must experience what you experience because you will it so.

Insufferable.

I heard similar “just you waits” from the same people when it came to marriage. Yet the vows did not change my husband: he is not the slothful, irresponsible mate that they seem to have scored; he has his quirks, as I have mine, but rarely do I go to my colleagues, acquaintances or friends bitching about what IP has or hasn’t done. I’d rather talk to IP to clear up our issues instead of commiserating with other women about what dumbasses our husbands are (and I use that word because that’s what I hear). I can’t tell you how many stories I hear about men and their forgetfulness, their inability to schedule things, their ineptitude at the smallest household chore. I heard “just you waits” about how IP would quickly turn into a sitcom husband. Yet . . . he didn’t. Wow! An exception to the “just you waits!”

I’m not saying that our potential experiences with pregnancy or parenthood would fall outside of the “just you waits.” I’m just saying that applying those “just you waits” to everyone is annoying and pompous and erroneous if you’re saying it to someone who chooses to be child-free. Especially when the person you’re admonishing didn’t ask. You sound like a prissy schoolteacher wagging his or her finger in the face of a child, telling them how wrong they are and will be about life until they experience X, Y, and Z. And you know what? Those generalizations never apply across the board.

So? Please shut up with the “just you waits.”

Love, WordNerd.