A Request for Caps Fans Who Use Metro

Dear Caps Fans

Congrats! Your team is currently number one in the Eastern Conference and in the NHL, and will probably win the Presidents’ Trophy barring a sudden loss streak that allows San Jose to catch up to you. Your team has done very, very well. As a Detroit Red Wings fan, I have neither love nor hate for your team at all, but wish you luck in the Eastern Conference playoffs. The Presidents’ Trophy is considered something of a jinx, with only a third of the winners getting the Stanley Cup. Of course, this could be due to a) playoff inexperience or 2) injuries or III) plain bad luck. Of the six times the Wings won it, they went on to win the Stanley Cup only twice (adhering to that 30% chance). So, good luck. I just hope my team holds on long enough to stay in the playoff hunt. We’re doing better, so fingers crossed on this end.

However, I have to admit: I kind of, sort of want your team to lose early in the playoffs. And it’s not because of sour grapes. You’ve earned your place atop the standings and home advantage during the playoffs.

No, I kind of, sort of want you to lose because you fans completely snarl up my commute home. I cannot imagine having to deal with all of you until mid-June!

This really applies only to those who converge on the city at absolute ground zero: AKA Metro Center. You do realize that the Verizon Center is a quick, pleasant walk from Metro Center, yes? You do realize that you don’t actually need to wait for a train to Gallery Place? Google Maps tells me that it’s a nine-minute walk to the Verizon Center, and I seriously doubt it takes that long unless you’re walking very slowly. If you exit at 12th and G, you are a straight walking shot up G to the numerous Verizon Center entrances. I actually exit all the time at 12th and F in order to head over to Gordon Biersch; I could wait for the train, but what’s the purpose? It delays me from the beer, pizza, and good times that are rightfully mine when it’s happy hour time. And I can take an easy, short-distance glance at the Verizon Center as I turn the corner on 9th to down some beer. Why can’t you fans please do the same? There are advantages:

1. You’d save money! Not a ton, but if you’re regular season ticket holder and attend a lot of the games, have access to playoff tickets, and find yourself coming to Metro Center until mid-June, it’ll add up!
2. A sea of red on downtown streets is intimidating and thrilling, especially during playoff time. Walk outside, loud and proud for your team. Pretend you’re practicing for the Stanley Cup parade.
3. Exercise! It’s less than half a mile, which is about 50 calories burned by a person who weighs 150 pounds and is walking at a pace of three miles per hour. Sure, not a ton, but if you do it the majority of the year and walk back to Metro Center? It will also add up! Any exercise is good exercise.
4. Avoid delays! Especially in the summer, when Metro seems to fuck up even more, you get to leave the impatient, overheated waiting to us working slobs.

Obviously, if your health is such that transferring at Metro Center is better for you, or it’s pouring cats and dogs, or the temperature is in the high 90s plus 90% humidity, wait for the train. But it pains me to see so many Caps jerseys on the train (mostly #8s, but at least some of you are starting to realize your team’s roster consists of more than Ovechkin—sorry, can’t resist that dig) for just one stop on a perfectly nice day. Or crowding up the platform so that those of us trying to get home get pushed back further and further away from the doors during a major delay. You’d also clear up a lot of congestion at Gallery Place during peak time—you wouldn’t have to fight to exit the system. While the weather can start to suck in late May or early June, it’s less than 10 minutes. You won’t melt, promise. Again, unless we’re talking Ozone Action Day, just walk.

I commute to Metro Center from Virginia in the afternoons, and a lot of the Caps fans I end up commuting in with seem to not understand Metro etiquette (like not hogging seats during rush hour, not leaning against poles, speaking in indoor voices and laying off the shouting, etc.). You’re almost touristy when you’re in a station: the slow walk, the pausing to make sure you’re going in the right direction that causes a line of people to side-step you to avoid a human pile-up, the above-mentioned lack of Metro etiquette. And you make it even worse by crowding up my train home. At least you’re going to see a hockey game, which is a fun, exciting thing. I just finished a day of boring work and want to get home, work out, and relax without having to deal with a bigger horde of humans than necessary that can work in tandem to make home difficult to get to in a reasonable amount of time. And seriously? If I have a choice between Metro and a walk, I’m taking the goddamn walk. If I could walk home, I’d be one happy WordNerd.

Please make my commute more palatable at Metro Center. Walk to the Verizon Center already! Then maybe I won’t wish a first-round sweep elimination on you.

For your edification:

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