There’s a Reason I Didn’t Attend My Reunion

Let’s play “Can I Be Your Facebook Friend, WordNerd: High School Edition!” Yay!

In order to see if you qualify to be my Facebook friend, please take the following questionnaire:

1. In high school, did we speak to each other on a friendly, regular basis?
   • Yes
   • No
2. In high school, were you kind to me for the first year, then dropped me like a hot potato for reasons unknown to me then and now?
   • Yes
   • No
3. In high school, did you ignore me on most days?
   • Yes
   • No
4. In high school, did you speak to me only when you needed help with your Spanish homework?
   • Yes
   • No
5. In high school, did you make fun of me about my weight, my ethnicity, or my clothes? Or any combination of the three, really?
   • Yes
   • No
6. Did we keep in touch after high school and continue to be friendly to each other?
   • Yes
   • No

If you have answered “Yes” to Questions 1 or 6, then yes! We can be Facebook friends! If you have answered “Yes” to Questions 2, 3, 4 or 5, then no, we most certainly cannot be Facebook friends. Why? Because I do not care about you, and you do not care about me. What’s the point of adding me? Why do you want me on your list? Do you really care about my measly updates that mercilessly mock the Metro? No, probably not, just like I won’t care about your updates about your kids. So why try to add me, even when I’ve purposely left out my high school info so it’s hard for you to find me? I’m baffled.

Saline High School, Class of XX? Please stop already. They say that living well is the best revenge, and living well I am. But I have no desire to share that with you, even if it’s just through inconsequential status updates. Yes, I could show off how awesome I am to all of you and you’d totally be experiencing severe jealousE, but . . . you know, that’s just too much effort. And I’d have to deal with your feeds. So . . . no. Just, no.

Ignore.