Seriously Bummed

For about four years, I’ve been begging and pleading with my company to throw more editing and writing my way. I continue to do logistics for them, but I have told them that the original career trajectory I had planned for myself is not what I want; I want to grow in editing and writing, skills they have utilized on and off since I was hired. To their credit, they’ll occasionally throw something my way. I have been getting more of these assignments, but they come in sporadically.

Now, a writing assignment has come up. And they’re giving it to . . . the newbie consultant.

Wut?

The newbie consultant who is nice enough but whose writing was criticized as weak by our lead technical writer.

Yeah. That makes sense.

This is the type of assignment that could really bolster my resume and provide me with incentive to stay, so I am upset by the decision. Add to that, another assignment is upcoming: because the client wants logistics done in addition to writing, the logistics will probably go to me and the writing to someone else.

That really, really depresses me.

It comes down to one of two things: a) they are not remembering at all when I say I want to write and edit at every chance or 2) they are driving me in career direction that I have expressly said I was not interested in at all (project management). In the owners’  minds, I think they believe I would ascend to manager if the current manager ever left.

They are incorrect. I would leave. Project management is not for me. I don’t have the personality or drive for it. I know it would break me in short order.

The fact that they have never discussed this career direction with me adds to my frustration. In the years I’ve been here, I’ve never sat down for a review and discussion of possible future projects and directions. They have assumed and pushed me to do things that I do not enjoy, find incredibly incompatible with my strengths (I can do them, but they are mentally exhausting for this introvert) and do not advance my career, the career I want, one whit. I had been less frustrated with this place because minor projects that involve writing and editing have been coming my way, but when a big assignments pops up, it’s given to someone else. It makes me gnash my teeth in anger and jealousy because, goddamnit, I’ve proven myself here and I deserve to get those assignments first. That they don’t even consider it speaks volumes to me.

I am very disappointed. And I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I am always going to be disappointed here.

At least I’m still submitting job apps, right?